Short: Why Men Have A Responsibility In The Prevention Of Violence Against Women

Guys, I need to have a frank convo with you. When it comes to violence against women #notallmen is NOT OK.

Until we can say “NO MEN”, we all have some work to do. In October of 2015 my girlfriend was murdered by an ex boyfriend and I have been working hard to move the needle towards “no men” ever since.

There was a time when I used to say things like “Think of your… daughter, mother, sister, wife” but even that is a problem. As my partner Michelle wisely pointed out, why do we have to make it about us and “our” women before we care? This is a problem in an of itself.

So let me try this another way. For decades we have known that smoking causes cancer. We have known that it is terrible for our societal health. We have targeted campaigns at smokers urging them to quit. We have spent millions of gov’t funds promoting this because we know ultimately it will save us money in health care.

Now I get that not all smokers will get cancer. I get that not everyone will choose to smoke. Somehow though, unless I missed it there hasn’t been a big refrain of #notallsmokers

Another example I saw recently was around drunk driving. We understand how devastating drunk driving can be and we spend millions (billions??) promoting messages to ALL drivers to not drink and drive. Again I have not seen big push back with #notalldrivers

So guys why do we feel the need to spend our energy defending #notallmen when really our hashtag should be #untilnomen For me I will continue to have the conversation until it is no men who jeopardize the safety of any woman in our society. I will continue to be as best an ally as I possibly can in the meantime guys understand this,

women don’t need our help, they just need us to take care of our own shit.

So please, please, please before we say #notallmen can we please take a good hard look in the mirror?

Becoming A Better Man Audio Book

In 2019 I published my first book. I released the audio version of it in full on Audible in 2021. Here is a preview of the book the full version is available for purchase on Audible.

If you need any help with your audio production, Kimagination can help you out. They have been fantastic in helping make this project come together.

This is the Preface titled: Lessons From the Back of a Police Car

Heart Over Head: Valentine Ramblings Of A Writer

The human heart beats around 115,000 times per day. 

A recent study from Queens University has found that on average humans will have 6,200 thoughts per day. 

Coincidence? I think not. 

OK Mike what the hell are you talking about? Who cares?

Well on this day of St. Valentine I thought it would be fun to explore some fun facts about the human heart. This started off as my morning writing exercise and quickly morphed into, what the above noted researchers referred to as “thought worms”. 

I was looking for an analogy or metaphor or some interesting little tidbit to share with you on Valentines Day. Instead, as is prone to happen when I write uninhibited, I started going down a veritable rabbit hole of thought exploration. 

When I saw the statistic about how many times our heart flexed its muscle every day it struck me that that sounded like an awful lot more strength than what I believed to be true of the human mind. In order to confirm my suspicions I walked my fingers over to my friend Google. 

“How many thoughts does the average human have in a day?” 

While I had expected to see something closer to 60,000 thoughts per day as many of the self-help gurus and positive thinking advocates espouse like a carnival barker on a sunny Sunday, what I found was the results of this study published in 2020 that gave me the 6,200 number.

Much of the work that I do in my speaking, writing and coaching practice speaks to the importance of heart over head so naturally my brain definitively linked these two statistics to support my hypothesis. 

Our heart has more output than our brains have thoughts! 

Now I suspect there is no scientific correlation between the two and I am equally sure I will not be earning my PhD at Queens University any time soon for this comparison. It is however an interesting thought (1 of 6,200) to consider. It also makes it a little more fun to discuss doesn’t it? I think so. So let’s expand on this a little. 

How often do we listen to the drivel that our mind spews and how often do we ignore the love, passion, courage, empathy, compassion that is born of the heart? 

While this discovery of mine may not be the compelling evidence that you need in order to make the decision to follow your heart more often, perhaps it will cause you to take pause and reflect on how often you unquestioningly follow head over heart. 

Now I am not suggesting that heart is always superior to heart. There are certainly times where we need to pay more attention to our head than to our heart but in my, now 52 years on the planet I have observed far more adherence to head than to heart when it comes to decision making. We seem to believe that if something (ideas we have) originate in the head and are vetted by the head that somehow they must be the better choice. For most, we believe that decisions are a function of cognition. We believe that it is our rational brain that ultimately determines the path we take, the direction that we follow. 

We feel that if we can just take enough time to think it through we will somehow come out on top. Despite much evidence to the contrary we stick to the fallacy that our rational minds know the way. That our logical brains will support us in seeking the kind of life we want to live. Yet far too often it is our rational brains that put us in the muck.

I mean think of the last time you ignored your heart, the last time you ignored your gut, your intuition. How did that work out for you? 

We have this societal propensity to ignore our gut (our heart) and think our way through life’s challenges. I first started exploring the impact that affect (feeling) has on behaviour as a young sales person. In my quest to be one of the best I realized that in order to influence my customers’ decision to buy from me I needed to reach them on an emotional level. Let’s face it, it is never the thing that we choose to purchase. It is the feeling we believe that thing will give us.

I could share scores of examples with you but the reality is that how we feel shapes our cognition. Our heart shapes our thoughts. To try and separate the two is foolhardy at best and downright dangerous at worst.

It is this concept (we make decisions on the foundation of emotion) that drives the work that I do today in my quest to help men become the best versions of themselves possible. I teach men to find a deeper connection with self in order to find clarity and purpose. To be intentional about the life they want to live and the decisions that they make along the way.

If you have followed me and know my story you will have a deep appreciation for the impact this can have on all of us. The man that murdered my girlfriend in 2015 likely thought he was a rational, logical human being. Someone who made powerful decisions and took no shit from anyone. I think it is very clear that when he chose to murder the woman he couldn’t have and then chose to take his own life those choices were made out of an emotional response with very little reason attached. He made a decision with very permanent consequences based on a very temporary emotion. 

Certainly there is nothing logical about taking someone’s life and then taking your own. 

So what can we learn from the fact that our heart is powerful enough to beat 115,000 times per day and our brain only manages 5% of that number generating thoughts?

Well it may be a stretch to make a scientific correlation but for me these random bits of trivia that somehow find ways to bury themselves deep in my psyche. So my hope is that you will hold this little bit of trivia and use it as a reminder for you to summon the courage to question your head more often than you do right now. That it will serve to remind you to listen to your heart. That at a bare minimum you will get familiar with what that warrior of an organ has to say. 

For most of us men listening to our heart is a very difficult thing to do. We have been programmed for centuries that listening to our heart makes us weak. That men are logical creatures that make decisions based on facts and reason. As a guy that likes to understand the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ I started to research this when the truism “We buy on emotion, justified by logic” was embedded in me by sales trainers and top performers alike. One of the first scientists I came across who has done work in this area. Dr. Antonio Demasio, a Portuguese Neuroscientist who wrote a book called Descartes Error. In that book he talks about “Emotion is the edifice upon which reason is built.”

So I will say again… and again, and again, and again, as I have so many times before. 

If we don’t understand the underlying emotions that drive the decisions we make we have absolutely zero chance of living a fully awakened and purposeful existence.

I promise you this men, if you want to be more, have more, achieve more you will absolutely need to feel more. If you want to find your purpose start with your heart not your head. Put the head on mute for a few minutes and go exploring. Let me know what you discover. 

We are all made of stories

What’s Your Story? Managing Emotion Through The Stories We Tell

It was over 20 years ago but I remember the feeling vividly to this day. As a 28 year old high school drop out who prided himself on his work ethic I was on the top of the world. 

After 4 years of hard work I had been given a large promotion at one of the fastest growing financial services companies in Canada. I managed a portfolio of over $10 million in investment funds and now had been given responsibility for launching and expanding the company into a new province. Tasked with tending to the growth of the organization in a large, untapped market was everything I had ever dreamed of. 

Or at least it should have been. 

I mean I had more income coming in than ever in my life and honestly more than I could have imagined.  This coupled with a brand new, canary yellow Porsche in my parking stall that took me to my highrise downtown office everyday and this was a life I could scarcely believe had come true for myself.

I was 1000km from home. A new face in a new town. The woman of my dreams agreed to come with me and build a life together. With a new downtown apartment loft, the fancy car and the autonomy to setup the company as I saw fit, I could not have scripted a more perfect life. 

I. Was. A. Businessman.

I. Had. Arrived.

That is of course until it became apparent that I had not. 

It was October 3, 1997. I was sitting at my desk, making calls, working on making some connections in this new city I was in. That was when I got the call. The call that would lead to me losing millions of dollars of my friends, family and clients money. 

Cue the self talk…

I’m a fraud.
I’m a failure.
I should have known better.
What kind of man of any integrity lets this kind of thing happen?
This is not the kind of man I am. 
I am a provider, a leader, a man with passion, drive, and integrity.

Yet still, there I was.

The stories that started playing in my head were plentiful. The shame was immense.

So let’s talk a little bit about the stories we tell ourselves and how they shape how we show up in this world. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not we all have a tape playing in our head for any given circumstance. The tape we play, or the stories we tell, can have a profound impact on how we feel. 

How we feel impacts how we behave.
How we behave impacts our performance
Our performance impacts the things are are able to achieve.

A Dad’s Story

Let’s have a look at a couple of examples that, if you are a father, you may be able to relate to. 

It’s Sunday afternoon, you’ve just finished feeding your 10 and 8 year old sons their favourite lunch; grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. 

The sun is shining outside and they are in a playful mood. The boys inform you that they are going out into the front to play some road hockey on the driveway. You smile in contentment and turn your attention back to cleaning up the aftermath of spilled soup and bread crumbs off the floor. The cleaning task on autopilot while you imagine how much fun it’s going to be to go outside and kick their little butts in a game of pickup on the driveway. The cleaning is taking a little longer than you wanted, yet you decide to vacuum and finish the job properly. 

Twenty minutes behind the kids you throw on your shoes and head out the garage door eager to show the kids how it’s done. Only problem is when you get out there they are not there. Not on your driveway. The net is there, sticks strewn on the ground, ball in the net. You walk to the end of the driveway looking up and down the street. No sign of the kids anywhere. 

This is when those stories kick in. In this case there are a few different versions of the tape that might be playing in your mind.

Like most parents likely the first story has something to do with some kind of calamity. Some sort of untoward outcome that has happened. Your mind starts racing playing through scenarios in the blink of an eye. Has there been reports of suspicious individuals in the neighborhood recently? What if someone had driven by and lured the kids into their vehicle? Surely this is a reasonable possibility with the type of world we live in. I mean how many times have you heard similar stories? Now imagine this scenario playing through your mind. What kind of emotion does that evoke? Fear? Anxiety? Panic?

Keeping in mind that at this point you have absolutely no idea what has actually transpired. None of this is real except it is the story that we run through our heads.

Now imagine with me scenario #2 that might run through your head. Maybe the kids had wandered off down the road to the park a few blocks down. Hadn’t you told them several times not to do that? Hadn’t you told them forty two thousand times not to leave the yard without letting you or their mom know? How many times will it take before you get through their thick skulls that simply disappearing is not OK?

What kind of feeling does that kind of story conjure up? Anger? Sadness? Disappointment?

Now consider a third possible explanation playing out in your mind. Their mother, your wife, came home early. She took them and walked them the half block to the green space filled with wildflowers at the end of the cul de sac. They are currently picking you a small bouquet of flowers for your birthday tomorrow. Mom wanted to surprise you and would only be gone for a few minutes so didn’t tell you.

That kind of story surely brings up a substantially different emotion doesn’t it? 

A Partners Story

What about a scenario where your partner is unexpectedly late coming home from work? What narrative do you start to create for that and how do the different possible narratives impact how we feel? Consider these variants of story:

  1. They’re late because they have been in an accident and are injured rendering them unable to call.
  2. They are late because they are having an affair and stopped by their lovers for a quick trist.
  3. They are late because they went out of their way to stop and buy you a 6 pack on their way home.

These may all be plausible stories, yet each one is going to have a significant impact on your behaviour when your partner does eventually get home.

For me the stories that swirled around the collapse of one of Canada’s largest Ponzi schemes were internal. They started becoming stories that questioned who I was. Stories that started to cast doubt around whether or not I truly was the man I thought I was and whether I could ever become the type of man I wanted to be.

I had worked hard for 4 years helping to build a business that ultimately turned out to be a complete sham. I had contributed to the ruin of the financial future of many friends, family and clients. This kind of failure surely had the possibility of negatively impacting my self perception if I continued to let those stories percolate and expand.

The stories we tell ourselves in the moment vs. the stories we tell ourselves over a lifetime.

What is interesting to note is the difference between the scenarios I described above. The story options we choose with respect to the kids playing in the driveway or our partner being late are all about right now. They are moment in time and likely determine what immediate course of action we take to remedy the situation.

The other scenario, the massive business failure, did not have any possible immediate solution yet the story I continued to weave had the possibility to shape me for a lifetime. One is impactful in the moment and the other has the potential to be impactful over a lifetime. What becomes critically important is to at least become aware of the stories that we tell ourselves. To become aware of the impact that those stories might have not only on our immediate behavior but also on our long term well being.

Imagine the potential harm created by a lifetime of stories of unworthiness every time we experience a failure? The compound effect of continuing to allow the stories of

“I’m a fraud.

I’m a failure.

I should have known better.

What kind of man of any integrity lets this kind of thing happen?”

to play out in my head could be catastrophic. These subtle little undertones or stories we have can start to play on autopilot. The stories become triggered by a variety of events. They can be insidious but it is important to be vigilant for them and recognize when that inner dialogue appears. I understand you may not be able to prevent the stories from starting but you certainly have the opportunity to keep them in check and ensure that they do not create any long term damage.

What are some of the stories that you are currently telling yourself?

————————————————————————————————————

Mike Cameron is the author of “Becoming a Better Man: When “Something’s Gotta Change”, Maybe It’s You!”

“A powerful, raw story that is somehow both unique and relatable. Becoming A Better Man shows us how to close the gap between the men we wish to be and how we are actually behaving. It’s a courageous look at the doubts and fears we’ve learned not to talk about, and a reminder that together we can create a stronger, healthier understanding of what ‘manhood’ really means.”

  • Drew Dudley, International Bestselling Author of “This is Day One: A Practical Guide to Leadership That Matters”
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