The Importance of Emotional Granularity for Men

As men, we have had emotions conditioned out of us for most of our lives. The constant refrain from other men to “Suck it up” and “Be tough. Be Strong.” Any show of emotion other than anger is considered a weakness. Many men adhere to this paradigm with the refrain that they don’t want to be “soft” or “weak.”

The truth is that the way we men think about “Strong” is often flawed. But that is a whole other conversation. You can have a listen to my TEDx on the subject if you want to hear more of my thoughts there.

The bottom line is that this unwillingness to express emotion can lead to a very limited Emotional Vocabulary. Even for men, like me, who were raised in homes where emotional expression was not suppressed, our cultural norms, media and everyday influences ensure that we cling to the idea that emotional suppression = strength.

Last night in our Connect’d Men’s group, we discussed this issue and practiced building our Emotional Vocabulary. Dr. Lisa Feldman Barret coined the term Emotional Granularity, which describes a more robust explanation of Emotional Vocabulary.

Theme: Emotional Vocabulary(aka Emotional Granularity)

The importance of distinguishing between similar emotions, such as frustration, irritation, and anger, lies at the core of emotional granularity. This concept is significant for several reasons:

Improved Emotional Intelligence: Recognizing and naming specific emotions accurately enhances emotional intelligence. It allows you to understand your own emotional states more deeply, leading to better self-regulation. When you can pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling, you’ll be more capable of finding an appropriate response or solution to your emotional state.

For example, understanding the difference between feeling frustrated due to unmet expectations and feeling angry because of perceived injustice can lead to more effective coping strategies.

Enhanced Communication: With a rich emotional vocabulary, you can communicate your feelings more precisely to others. This precision in communication can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts within relationships. It helps convey emotion, intensity, and nuances, which can be pivotal in personal and professional interactions.

Better Mental Health: Research by Lisa Feldman Barrett and others suggests that individuals with higher emotional granularity tend to experience less burden from their emotions. They are better at coping with stressful situations and are less likely to resort to harmful coping mechanisms like substance abuse. By understanding and labelling your emotions accurately, you can choose more effective strategies to address your feelings, leading to improved mental health outcomes.

Decision Making:

Emotional granularity aids in decision-making processes. When you understand your emotions with nuance, you are better positioned to make decisions that consider your emotional well-being. Instead of reacting impulsively based on a vague feeling, you can assess the specific emotions influencing your thoughts and choose a course of action that addresses the underlying issues.

Emotional Development:

Developing a nuanced understanding of one’s emotions is a lifelong process contributing to overall emotional growth. It encourages introspection and mindfulness as you learn to observe and describe your emotions with increasing sophistication. This ongoing development is crucial for personal growth, resilience, and fulfillment.

In essence, the ability to distinguish between similar emotions is not just about having a richer vocabulary; it’s about enhancing emotional intelligence, improving relationships, fostering better mental health, making informed decisions, and supporting continuous personal development. These benefits underscore the importance of emotional granularity in achieving a balanced and insightful approach to emotional well-being.

Last night, we did an exercise and unpacked three emotions: Fear, Anger and Sadness. We spent some time brainstorming as many variations of these core emotions as we could. Below are the results of our Emotional Vocabulary brainstorm.

If you would like to learn more about Connect’d Men you can find information here. If you would like to discuss one-on-one support or having me come speak at your event please book a discovery call here.

Breaking Free from Negative Self-Talk: A Guide for Men

In a society where the stereotypical portrayal of masculinity encompasses stoicism and presenting an undaunted façade, addressing the issue of negative self-talk among men is rarely discussed. The truth is that in our quest to “Measure up” to real or perceived expectations ensnares many men in a spiral of negative inner dialogue. Tackling this issue is necessary and vital in fostering a healthy mindset. One of my favourite quotes by author Eckhart Tolle is, “with awareness comes choice.” Let’s explore the facets of negative self-talk, its implications, and how to successfully manage it to pave the way for a more positive self-perception.

What is Negative Self-Talk?

Negative self-talk, simply put, is the act of adopting a critical and often harsh inner voice that diminishes one’s own abilities and worth. In men, this internal narrative might echo sentiments of inadequacy, amplified by societal expectations that often equate masculinity with strength, competence, and infallibility. This kind of internal dialogue can manifest in various forms, including derogatory self-labelling, dwelling on past mistakes, or predicting failures even before attempting a task.

Why It Matters

The repercussions of negative self-talk are vast. It not only dents one’s self-esteem but can also severely impact mental health, paving the way for anxiety and depression. Moreover, it can hinder personal and professional growth, as individuals bogged down by negative self-talk are less likely to pursue opportunities or take risks.

This continuous stream of negative self-perceptions can have a ripple effect, impacting relationships and the quality of interactions with others. A diminished self-view can limit one’s ability to form meaningful connections, nurture existing relationships, and essentially lead a fulfilling life.

Have you ever sabotaged a relationship because you didn’t feel worthy?

How to Manage It

One of the most effective strategies to counter negative self-talk is catching oneself in the act and immediately reframing the inner dialogue into something more constructive. For instance, when I find myself erring and instinctively resorting to berating thoughts like “Damn, you are such an idiot!” I take a moment to pause and reassess.

“OK, Mike, that was an uncharacteristic mistake. What can you learn from that?” This shift in perspective not only halts the negative spiral but opens up a channel for growth and learning. It’s a constant endeavour, a vigilant watch over one’s own thoughts, steering them away from the precipice of negativity.

Strategies to Break the Cycle

Adopting a more positive approach to self-talk is not a one-time effort but a continuous journey of self-awareness and conscious effort. Here are some strategies that can be instrumental in breaking free from the cycle of negative self-talk:

  1. Awareness and Acknowledgment – Recognizing the problem is the first step. Be cognizant of the moments when negative self-talk emerges.
  2. Reframing the Narrative – When I am at my best, I reframe the narrative immediately, transforming it into a constructive critique.
  3. Seeking Therapy – Sometimes, the roots of negative self-talk can be deep-seated. Seeking therapy can be a beneficial way to unravel and address these issues.
  4. Mindfulness and Meditation – Engaging in mindfulness practices and meditation can help in fostering a deeper connection with oneself, facilitating a more compassionate self-dialogue.
  5. Reading and Education – Delving into literature that focuses on positive self-perception, like the works of Eckhart Tolle, can provide tools and insights to curb negative self-talk.
  6. Self-Compassion – Learning to practice compassion for oneself is an ongoing process. Kristen Neff is a leading researcher on self-compassion and has some fabulous resources. You can find here work here at http://self-compassion.org

The journey to overcome negative self-talk is personal and nuanced. Adopt strategies that resonate with you, and most importantly, be patient. I’d love to hear some of the ways that you manage your inner dialogue.

Men, It’s Time to Stop Hiding

Last week I had a beautiful reminder of one of the most important aspects of healing, in particular for men. I attended a fundraiser luncheon for the Little Warriors Be Brave Ranch. The Little Warriors is an organization that creates spaces (https://littlewarriors.ca/be-brave-ranch/) and programs for children who are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Their mission is truly inspiring. I was honoured to be able to attend with hundreds of other supporters. This was their 10th annual luncheon and a real milestone. 

I forget how much I enjoy getting out and networking with others in this kind of community environment. I had been invited by a friend who had been trying to get me to join her for a few years, and the timing never worked out. The sense of community in an environment like that is quite remarkable. This a stark reminder of what we have all missed these last few years with COVID removing so many of our in-person events. 

As human beings, we are hard-wired for connection. I work primarily with men and can see the effects of profound loneliness that many men feel, yet few are willing to admit. Most of us won’t admit it to ourselves, let alone those around us. I was intrigued to see this year’s keynote speaker, Paul Young. Paul is a New York Times Best Selling author of “The Shack.” more interestingly, he is a man who was willing to share his own journey of childhood abuse. 

Paul shared a lot of nuggets of wisdom in his speech. He is a fabulous storyteller, and I can always tell an author by the wonderful turns of phrases they use to describe events, locations and people in their stories. Paul did not disappoint in this regard. 

At one point, he shared a story about a shameful act that he had done and how coming clean meant admitting to his family and friends what had happened. He told the story of sharing what he had done with his father-in-law. I will not do it justice, but how he phrased the scene painted a colourful image. “When I told him what happened, I watched his heart break, seep out his eyes and roll down his cheek. No judgement, just love.” Again I am paraphrasing, Paul was more eloquent than that. It was a powerful moment in the story.

He told stories of shame and guilt and the difference between the two. “Shame is ‘I am something bad,’ and guilt is ‘I have done something bad.’”  He talked about forgiveness and he talked about healing and love. He talked about the lies he had hidden behind and how to heal himself and his relationships, he had to become a ‘truthteller.’ 

There were many powerful takeaways from his presentation. The one that stood out the most to me was his simple statement, “The unrevealed remains unhealed.” In the context of men and masculinity, truer words have not been spoken. As a man, I know that I feel an inordinate amount of pressure to “be strong.” And while I think that “being strong” is a virtuous pursuit, I also believe that most define strength incorrectly. You can see 15 minutes of my thoughts on this in my TEDx “Redefining Badass: The Way Men Think About Strong is Wrong.” 

Many view strength as ‘sucking it up,’ burying or avoiding much of what we actually feel. We think vulnerability is weakness and wear many masks to avoid showing what is happening inside us. We armour up, wrap ourselves in material pursuits and addictions, and carve away some of the deepest parts of ourselves lest we be judged ‘unmanly.’ We talk of courage as if it is all about pushing through and ignoring our trauma. Real courage is about having the strength to drop the armour, put down the masks and stand in front of that mirror raw, naked and fully revealed.

Our scars define us, they make us who we are. They are not something that needs to be covered up or ignored. They are to be explored, accepted and integrated into our whole self. “What remains unrevealed remains unhealed.” One of my favourite quotes by Eckert Tolle is, “With awareness, there comes choice. And so you are able to say: “I allow this moment to be as it is.” And then, suddenly, where before there was irritation, there is now a sense of aliveness and peace. And out of that comes right action.” 

When we bury our true selves and hide our scars, we do so to the outside world and ourselves. And when we hide from ourselves, there is no chance for change.  

Cultivating Resilience in Your Team: A Leader’s Guide to Navigating Uncertainty

Four Ways to Build a Culture of Resilience

I was 28 years old, at the peak of my career. I was making more money than I had in my life and, quite frankly, more than I would have imagined possible a few short years earlier. I had moved to a new town and was about to launch a new branch office set to lead the charge into a new province. Life was good. Until it wasn’t. It was October 3, 1997, when I got the phone call from the BC regulator. Eron Mortgage, the company I worked for, had been shut down for good. I would later learn this was the largest mortgage fraud in BC history—$240 million. A giant Ponzi scheme, it seemed. I was a new face, in a new town, with a new fiance; not only had I lost my job but also millions of dollars. 

If ever there was a time for resilience, this was it. But, of course, I had no idea this was just the beginning of what would become a journey of resilience building in my life. While the details of my story may be unique, the need to adapt to unexpected change is not. No matter how well we script our lives, we can’t avoid the inevitable suck. This is true whether we are talking business or personal. 

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need to be resilient. However, we appreciate that we don’t live in an ideal world. Challenges are inevitable regardless of how we plan, organize, and work our organizational plan. So the question becomes how can we create a culture of resilience within our organizations? 

The difference between successful and unsuccessful organizations is how well they adapt and cope with change. 

Here are a couple of well-known examples:

Netflix was a DVD rental-by-mail service which faced competition from established players like Blockbuster. However, Netflix adapted to the changing market and shifted its focus to online streaming, which became its primary business model. This move allowed Netflix to expand globally and become a leader in the streaming industry.

In contrast, Kodak failed to adapt and eventually went bankrupt. Kodak was a dominant player in the photography industry for many years, but the company failed to keep up with the shift to digital photography. Despite inventing the first digital camera in 1975, Kodak was slow to embrace the technology and instead focused on its traditional film business. This ultimately led to the company’s downfall, as it failed to adapt to the changing market and lost its competitive edge to newer digital camera companies like Canon and Nikon.

So how do we cultivate a culture of resilience within our organization? 

Here are four things that are Paramount to developing a culture of resilience within any organization. 

Curiosity over Judgement

We open possibilities by looking at the adversities thrown at us through the lens of curiosity rather than judgment. We create the opportunity to learn through the process and avoid being crippled by fear, doubt and indecision. Cultivating a culture of curiosity over judgment starts at the leadership level but will require an organizational shift in mindset. When the storm hits, we must ensure everyone on the boat is rowing their oars in the same direction. As leaders, we must cultivate curiosity through the good and bad times. 

One way we can inspire curiosity is to invite it. We can ask our teams what they are curious about when we launch a new initiative. Invite curiosity, welcome questions, and encourage challenges.

Psychological safety 

Dr. Amy Edmonson codified psychological safety as the belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes and that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking.

When we create a psychologically safe environment, we allow our teams to speak up during times of crisis. We allow our people to use their skills and talent to help us navigate the crisis collectively. Empowering our people to take action without fear of reprisal creates a sense of agency, ownership and purpose, allowing individuals to be more resilient in navigating challenges and change. Knowing that ideas, beliefs, questions and concerns can be raised directly helps create a space of certainty within an otherwise uncertain world. 

Communication

In the absence of information, people will fill in the blanks on their own. This can be incredibly damaging in times of crisis. In periods of uncertainty, while people are looking for clarity and direction, more communication from leadership is needed. Communication doesn’t necessarily mean that we have all the answers. It simply means that we as leaders are communicating the answers we do have and the questions we are still trying to address. This kind of communication, coupled with psychological safety, will further empower our teams to co-create solutions as we navigate through crises and challenges. 

In 2008 I was the CEO of a national mortgage brokerage. That happened to be the year the world saw the global financial system collapse. Ensuring we communicated with our staff and customers throughout the unprecedented economic crisis and financial collapse was critical. Even when we did not have answers, we still communicated. 

Creating intentional spaces for our teams to unpack whatever is going on allows communication to flow in all directions. Communication is not just about sending information out it is also about creating an environment where your team can actively share information, ideas and feelings.

Emotional Competence

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

As leaders, this is one of the most powerful tools in our toolkits. When it comes to building a culture of resilience, we also need to foster an environment of emotionally connected (emotionally intelligent) individuals. When times are challenging, people react in different ways. Understanding what drives those reactions is vital to navigating change. You have likely heard me before talk about how emotions drive decisions, decisions drive behaviour, and behaviours ultimately determine our results. It is essential to understand our emotional makeup and those around us so that we can take action proactively rather than with a reactive approach.

One way leaders can help create emotionally connected team members is to start significant interactions (meetings, one-to-ones, etc.) with a “check-in.” A brief one or two-word “What feeling is coming up for you right now?” check-in can create a practice space for emotional intelligence and help foster psychological safety.

Conclusion

As you can see, all these competencies require ongoing practice. These are not tools that are simply pulled out when the need for resilience arises but skills that require continual practice. The time to learn how to swim is not when your boat capsizes. The time to learn to swim is before you get on the boat. The same holds for building a culture of resilience within our organizations.  

Are You Having a Midlife Crisis?

Is it really a midlife crisis?

Many men spend most of their lives trying to live the life they believe they are supposed to live. They are supposed to be the provider, the protector, the ‘man’. Most do this at a great cost to self. They suppress their own needs, wants and desires in order to be that version of self they feel like society wants them to be.

At some point this becomes problematic and requires adjustment. However, most of the time when men start to make that adjustment it gets labelled a midlife crisis. They start to experiment with what makes them fulfilled and sometimes that can be challenging. The real crisis is a society that demands men hide who they really are in order to fit some societal narrative of what a real man can be. Love to hear your thoughts. Drop me a note in the comments below.

Men’s Mental Health: Self Awareness Is Key

This one little shift will drastically increase your ability to reflect and grow. This little tip for me was a real key in moving from self-reflection to true self-awareness. When it comes to building resilience and strength so much of it comes down to the language we use as we explore. In order to build our emotional fitness we can amplify the impact by shifting the questions we ask as we reflect.

Men’s Mental Health: Be Somebody’s Larry

When it comes to men’s mental health we all need somewhere to unpack what is going on in our lives. The challenge often can be that finding those spaces to do that is difficult. As men, we tend to like to “fix” things. This often kills the space required for exploration of feelings and patterns of thought. In this short video I share a beautiful story about finding that space to unpack.

Men’s Mental Health Week

Men’s Mental Health: Why Emotional Fitness Matters

Why do so many of us men resist the mental health label? This is a conversation we need to have much more of. There are some unique societal pressures on men that create some unique challenges which ultimately require us to take some unique approaches when it comes to men’s mental health.

Men everywhere are hurting. What are we doing to address the pain men feel and the harm they can ultimately cause when that pain is not dealt with?

Learning to Embrace the Suck

The difference between a good race and a bad race is all about how you manage the (inevitable) pain.

Chris McCormack

I first came across the term “Embrace the Suck” in the context of Ironman Triathlon. My daughter gave me a henna tattoo that made that proclamation across my forearm when I competed in my first long-distance triathlon. I had no idea how important this phrase would come to be in my life. It has become a daily reminder to me to lean into adversity when it inevitably shows up.

We can carefully script our lives as best we can to try and avoid the “suck” but the reality is that life often has other plans. That hot August day in Penticton, reading those words tattooed on my forearm while I was cursing my life choices, helped set me up to navigate unimaginable adversity 3 short years later. I thought those last 10km of that iron-distance triathlon might be the most challenging thing I would ever face.

I was so, so wrong.

Embrace The Suck

Wakefield Brewster: Da Lyrical Pitbull

Since January 1999, Wakefield Brewster has been known as one of Canada’s most popular and prolific Performance Poets.

He is a BlackMan born and raised in Toronto, by parents hailing from the island of Beautiful Barbados, and he has resided in Calgary since 2006.

Wakefield Brewster

has spoken across Canada, several States, and makes countless appearances on a regular basis in a variety of ways, for a myriad of reasons, throughout each and every single year. This 30 minute set was produced for a youth event I hosted. You can find more on Wakefield at his website WakefieldBrewster.com

Fly In Fly Out Life – Real Stories, Struggles and Victories From Remote Work Camp Life

FIFO: faɪ fəʊ or Fly In Fly Out

FIFO work refers to remote camp work where workers are required to fly in and fly out to work and work away from home and their families.

This type of work poses unique challenges to workers and their families. The mental health struggles that can arise from the isolation from family, role transitions from work life to home life, societal stereotypes of masculinity and stigmas creating barriers to seeking help. We unpack all this through storytelling to give you a snapshot of FIFO life and to provide workers and their families with tools to thrive in this lifestyle.

Real Talk International Men’s Day

On International Men’s Day I had the privilege of sitting down with three other men to discuss the importance of Men’s mental health and some of the challenges that we face as men. Even in our patriarchal society it is important to look at the price of the patriarchy on men as well as on women. I hope you enjoy!

You can check out all of Ryan’s work here https://ryanjespersen.com/

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